If We Had That Second Chance
by Melizabeth-Is-Kismet
Summary: Lulu has an experience that has her questioning her feelings and entire relationship with her husband, Dante Falconeri. Although if she's honest with herself, it's not the first time and she runs into the reason when her doubt is at its highest. When she looks back on the day that most people would view as a mistake, Lulu can only think of it as the best decision she ever made.
1. Chapter 1

**~1~**

The night is far from young by the time her feet arrive at her unconscious destination. Her mind is far too occupied with whirling thoughts for her to notice the balmy summer air or the salty breeze that sweeps up the ends of her blond tresses. All that captures her focus is what happened with her husband, Dante, a few hours before and the unwanted realizations that accompany it. Making love is a normal part of a relationship, she knows this. Faking an orgasm however isn't.

Groaning a miserable sound as she grinds the heel of her palm against her forehead, Lulu drags her feet along the docks. "Ugh. I don't understand what went wrong," she mutters under her breath. Dante had kissed and caressed all the right places with his usual passion, his body moving inside hers with intent to please, but her mind had been somehow elsewhere halfheartedly participating in what's supposed to be a blissful moment between the two. Faking had been difficult, since she hadn't really done it before and from the look Dante gave her afterwards her acting might not have been the best.

Now officially stomping up the ramp that leads to the boat that's been in her family for forever, Lulu fights with the thoughts that lead her to faking to begin with.

 _Is this my happily ever after?_

It was such a bizarre thought to have as her husband had hovered over her before. The answer should've been an easy _yes_. Until she remembered a feeling of floating above cloud nine instead of just on it, an irresistible pull that leaves you longing when you're apart instead of just missing, and always knowing you're wanted in every gesture instead of just the big ones. The realizations shook her to her core and forced her to escape her home after Dante fell asleep just to clear her thoughts and come back to her senses.

Stepping onto the darkened boat, Lulu brushes a piece of hair forcibly behind her ear. "You didn't settle, Lulu. Dante _does_ make me happy. He loves me and I love him. So what if I'm not drowning in my feelings. That's just asking to get hurt," she brushes her fingertips over her heart where an ache resides that never really goes away no matter how good she is at pretending that it has.

The steps leading down creak gently under her weight until she treads to the spot where moonlight floods from directly above. She had come to the Haunted Star to be alone and figure out what's going on her head, but it becomes very clear that's the last place she'll get it when notes begin to filter through the boat with a haunting beauty that causes her heart to squeeze and her breathing to stutter. Lulu pulls the strap from her purse from over her shoulder and lays it in a seat in front of the bar as the song progresses. It's a turn from the usual yearning his notes used to create, instead capturing a distinct feel of belonging, of hope. The notes sing of the winding, floating elation of _love._

Lulu drifts on trembling limbs towards the back storage room where the piano was relocated after the memories became too much. And it's there that she sees him, hands gliding over the ivory and ebony keys, bearing a precious glimpse of his tender soul. She watches him with fingers clutched tight on the doorframe as the song finds its crest, feeling pure and raw like that of real love. And like always she must make some sound that gives away her presence because his fingers halt and the song comes to an incomplete end.

Johnny Zacchara turns just enough on the creaky bench for their eyes to meet, dusky brown and honey brown. Lulu breaks the connection with a sharp breath and discovers her cheek wet. She discreetly wipes the tear away with a clearing of her throat and mentally laughs at herself for becoming so emotional. Perhaps that's what he picked up on this time. Steepling her fingers, Lulu braces her shoulder against the doorframe and gives Johnny a pointed eyebrow raise. "What're you doing here?"

He crosses his arms causing his navy button down to stretch over his shoulders. Instead of allowing her eyes to hone in on the movement, Lulu fixes her gaze to the quirk of his lips and the question in his eyes. "Well we are partners now. I figured I'd come and look the place over," he loosens his posture while turning to face the grand piano gleaming in silvery blue moonlight, "and I stumbled upon this. I... haven't played in a while. I just wanted to hear... something that's all."

The low, hesitant cadence his voice takes on as she watches him simultaneously pull inwards yet bear himself to her strikes a familiar chord within her, one that demands she somehow ease whatever's troubling him or at least be someone that listens. And just like always she finds herself taking a step forward into the room and giving him a soft smile. "Well it sounded amazing, Johnny. More than amazing, but I can't really put it into words."

He looks up at her and offers one of his tiny smiles—the ones always reserved for her—although there's a twinge of anguish hidden in his eyes despite it. "Glad you think so." He forces out a breath then raises his eyebrows and she knows the question he's going to ask before he even opens his mouth, "So what brings you by?"

She turns up her nose and meanders towards concealed boxes full of stuff probably older than her in hopes that Johnny won't pick up her mood. "No reason. Same as you even," she shrugs and sweeps hair over her shoulder as she lifts a thick black sheet to investigate.

"Oh really? At half past midnight when you've got a loving husband waiting for you at home. I don't think so," his words puncture her defenses with ease.

Her muscles knot in place while she hears the groaning of wood as he shifts behind her.

"Something's clearly bothering you, Lulu. I can listen if you want me to."

It's like being surrounded by the security of his arms the way his words brush against her light and comforting. It's achingly familiar and she finds her movements becoming jittery. Dust billows in the air as a result of her dropping the cover in her haste to spin and face Johnny with her arms crossed. "Talking with you about this is the last thing I should be doing," she glides her tongue over her lips then shrugs. Of course Dante wouldn't approve of her discussing her momentary crises of whether the happiness and love she feels is enough with the man that always—without fail—makes her heart skip a beat whenever he's so much as mentioned or in view.

He nods once then pushes to stand. "I get it. I just hate to see you so miserable," he admits as if she hadn't already known such a thing.

Him wanting her happy and safe are equivalent to things like people needing air to breathe or the sky is blue. They're facts she'll never question. Which really only makes her fidget with her wedding rings as she tracks his path to the round window opposite the entrance of the room with her eyes. The moonlight throws his profile in breathtaking relief leaving her words to come out squeezed between her throat and heart, "I'm not _miserable_... And if you want to help, you could always play me something."

Johnny tilts his head her way, his irises glinting in the silvery light. "Would it really?"

Lulu clenches her jaw then sighs as she strides towards the grand piano herself. "No, you're right. My dad already warned me not to become one of the many people who'd end up lying to me in my life." She taps her fingertip feather light against random ivory keys as her hair cascades around her face. "And being here with you as you play stirs up a lot of stuff I'd rather not think about."

She hears him approach, practically feels the air move and thicken. "And yet you're still here?"

She presses a bit harder so random tones fill the room. She lifts her head and throws a wide, brief grin in his direction. "Funny right?" Her skin starts to prickle as her stomach bunches and flutters away in response to his presence right by her side. His left hand envelopes her right over the keys in a way that feels too incredible—a touch she relies on and doesn't really want to be without—even after all this time.

"Is it because whatever you're thinking about doesn't really care if you're here with me or somewhere else?" Somewhere else being at home with Dante—or unbeknownst to Johnny in bed under him.

She pulls her hand from under his, curling it nice and tight in the crook of her elbow when she folds her arms. And for a moment she shuffles her stance denying that she's holding onto his warmth and the pungent smell of young grass and roses he always carries, a reminder of the freedom and chains he's always caught between. Ultimately she faces him and his soft gaze, cocking her hip in defense. "You always have to be right don't you?"

His lips split in a big charming grin full of mirth, "Well I'll take my wins where I can get 'em when it comes to you. I know you, Lulu. Whatever this is is eatin' at you."

She folds her lips inwards and reluctantly nods before sinking onto the creaky bench. "You're right." Johnny takes a second to fill the space beside her where she lets her eyes focus on the nimble path his fingers take in creating a soothing melody. "Things were fine. Things _are_ fine, I just don't know what's gotten into my head," she sighs and shakes her head.

Johnny sways a bit into her side in reaching for notes and she's drawn tighter against him the way attracted beings tend to move. He doesn't speak just yet allowing her thoughts a chance to unravel without pressure which makes her smile sweetly if only for a moment. But then she voices a bit of what's in her head almost too quiet for him to hear, "Maybe it's the time of year."

One hand slides of the keys, the other, then his head turns to face a few inches from hers where his eyebrows crease and his eyes search her features. "Yeah, fourth of July is tomorrow-well, actually today."

His hand sweeps up and down her arm in a way that comes natural to them and Lulu feels the burbling terror at the mention of the date abate like the end of a well worn storm. This time of the year usually doesn't bother her since she made peace with what happened, and if her emotions do start to coil and knot, she'd normally go to Maxie about it not quite feeling comfortable with bringing it up to her husband. Dante is more than willing to offer her his shoulder to lean on and is even grateful for Johnny taking the blame for Logan's death. But his hatred for Johnny is a constant that Lulu finds hard to wade through at times.

But if she's being honest with herself, Logan's death isn't what's truly getting to her and sitting like an elephant on her mind. It's Johnny's reappearance in her life as if he never really became someone she caught glimpses of once every blue moon.

Lulu runs her fingers through her hair as if to comb the cobwebs away from her thoughts so her eyes are at least a tad clearer when she meets Johnny's eyes. "Yeah, but that's not what's got me so riled up. At least not the main reason."

His fingers knead her skin on the way down to her elbow performing the work flames would as a pleasant heat surfaces just under her flesh. It doesn't really help that he gives her one of his patented lopsided grins. "Is there something I can do to help?" He pauses then straightens out as a certain glimmer darkens his eyes—a known sign of impending trouble. Knowing this certainly doesn't stop the budding smile that overtakes her face in response. "On second thought, I have an idea, but I'm sure it'll only make your husband hate me even more."

Lulu shakes her head, teeth gleaming in her smile as she grasps his hand with a short burst of laughter. "Dante's feelings for you aren't going to change even if you save a burning building full of children. I'll decide if this idea is too crazy. So what is it?"

Johnny's fingers curl around hers, his thumb rubbing steadily over tingling skin. "Okay, so I doubt you'd want to hang around town today."

"Well I could just ask for an extra shift at the PCPD," she cuts in a with a cheeky smile and giggling at the way he stares at her evenly before laughing himself.

"True. _Or_ I can fly you out to Pennsylvania for the day for a bit of... racing."

Her jaw slacks momentarily and her brain chooses that moment to jump in and scream at the potential situation she's getting into. This is exactly like something she and Johnny would do back when they were a couple, inseparable, and in love. Just because she's been around him lately which dredged up certain feelings and doubts doesn't mean she can do this with him... right?

His hands slides out from under hers leaving hers to curl around empty space. Instead he moves away from her enough for an iron wall to wedge itself in-between them and offers her a reassuring albeit teasing lift of his lips. "There'll be no flirting on this trip. Promise."

Lips curved in a way that's asking for trouble, Lulu raises a single eyebrow. "I don't know, Johnny. Does your charm ever have an off switch?" _Take that barrier._

He smirks sending her heart beat in a frantic flurry. "Is that a yes then?"

She rises from the bench and offers him her hand. "That's a _hell_ yes."

~.~

Her breathing comes even and slow and tugs in the strong scent of cinnamon and mocha deep in her lungs. Another presence of breathing nearby causes her to shift, then the dusting of sunlight against her eyelids urges her fully awake. Lulu's eyes gradually open and eventually spot Johnny, dark hair mussed and mug of coffee to his lips as his eyes scan whatever's on his phone. Her eyes trail without thought down the opening of his shirt and she chalks the heat that begins to simmer in her belly up to waking up to a modern day Adonis.

Johnny happens to look in her direction and flashes her a smile while setting his mug down beside his single bed. "You finally up, sleeping beauty?"

Lulu eases into a sitting position feeling stiff and a little creaky from sleeping in her clothes as the white covers fold down to her waist. She doesn't answer right away as she takes in everything in the back room of the private plane: the sunlight drifting in, how Johnny had told her to come in here and get some rest as they flew... and how it was only supposed to take an hour to get to Pennsylvania. "Oh my god, I can't believe you let me sleep this long," she groans into her hands, face bowed.

"You needed it, Lu," the shortened name makes her head perk up and catch him hooking the buttons of his shirt through the holes, hiding away his skin—which she can't deny is a terrible crime. "Besides the track wouldn't have been open at two am. Now, here's your coffee and a little breakfast," he hands her a mug which warms toasty in her grip and a bag whose scent causes an immediate roar in her gut.

Johnny claps his hands together. "All right, I'll leave you to it. I've got a few more things to arrange before we can leave."

Lulu feels her breath stick in her throat as a pressure not unpleasant swells in her chest. "Uh, thank you, for this, Johnny." The words stumble to his back.

He turns back to face her and gives her a tiny smirk. "Don't thank me until this day is over."

She waits until the door closes behind him to take a sip. It goes down like a warm river of mocha and cinnamon with a twist of chocolate at the end. Her eyes squeeze shut as her smile quivers. _Of course he remembers._ Letting out a deep breath, she opens her eyes and sits the mug down in order to peek into the paper bag from a local coffeehouse. The sight of muffins and donuts spirals her back to a time where she and Johnny used to make disastrous meals together where ultimately Johnny ended up picking up take-out to spare their stomachs. The food settles like a pleasant embrace in her belly the same as it did back then. The glint of sunbeams off her rings as she reaches for her coffee mug stamps the kindling emotion ruthlessly.

Her hands flies to her hair knotting in the blond locks as a bubble of panic nestles in her throat. "What am I doing? This isn't some romantic getaway! I'm just spending time with a friend and probably worrying my husband sick." At this her hand finds the sleek phone sat beside her coffee mug where a few dozen messages and missed calls already dominate the surface. Not bothering to read through them she starts up a message to Dante in hopes of easing his worry.

 _I'm fine! Don't worry. I just needed to get away today, you know? I'm sorry I didn't warn you sooner. I should be back by the end of today. Love you._

She reads it over once deciding it tells enough without giving too much away then hits the send button. Setting it back down she pushes out of bed and heads to the tiny bathroom to freshen up as much as she can. It's when she pads out of the bathroom with the door clicking behind her that she hears the rumbles of a voice in the cabin of the plane. Her footsteps become soundless in her curiosity and soon her ear is right at the door.

"...just doing something from a friend." There isn't an audible voice that responds during Johnny's pause so Lulu figures he's speaking on the phone. "Yes, it is... You guessed right, Carly... Look, you don't have to worry, we'll be back soon."

She takes a moment before opening the door and poking her head through where she spots Johnny sprawled on one of the spacious cream colored seats, foot pulled up on the seat, and head leaning against his head in a classic bad boy I-don't-give-a-damn pose. It pulls a snort from her which draws his eye then a crooked smile as he straightens up. "I just need to grab my shoes and then we can go... that is if you have everything all set up. I mean you do look pretty comfy right there," she points out while stepping slightly into the room.

"Oh, shut up," he breathes out a laugh. "And yes, I do have things ready, so if you could just _hurry_." He waves his hands in a shooing gesture.

"All right, I'm going!" Biting her lip to contain her giggles, she sits on the edge of the bed and quickly pulls on her pumps. The dull vibration of her phone sharpens her breath for a second. Dante was quick to respond.

 _Where are you?_

An uncomfortable heat pinches the back of her neck as her fingers hesitate above the screen.

 _Manhattan. I'm sure Maxie will expect something nice when I get back._

The lie doesn't feel far as oily in her system as she would've expected.

"Lulu?"

She jumps up at the call and places her phone in her purse before any new messages arrive. In the cabin she saunters past Johnny ready to live in the moment. "I expect you to keep your end of the deal, Zacchara," she whirls to face him right before the exit of the plane.

A smile slowly stretches over his face and little by little he bends towards her. She nearly forgets her breathing at feeling the warm puffs of breath brushing over her lips. "Don't worry, Lu, you won't think about what's bothering you today."

He smoothly places his hands on her shoulders then guides her out of the plane before she can retort. Lulu's fine with letting him take the lead and even gives him an "A" for effort. After all, he doesn't really know that him being so close will make it kind of impossible not to think of what's troubling her.


	2. Chapter 2

**~2~**

Her body could give a Chihuahuas' a run for its money in the quivering department as she steps back into the gates bordering the track from the stadium— _the goddamn NASCAR stadium._ Her heart hasn't stopped sprinting since the moment Johnny uncovered her eyes and the massive stands curving towards the sky, although empty, surrounding the oval strip of pavement practically unfolded before her eyes. She had taken one look at his wide expectant grin, her jaw going slack as she'd choked out, _"No way."_

It was yes way though. A Rookie NASCAR driving session—the first of the day to be exact.

Thudding footfalls come up behind her before a hand squeezes her shoulder briefly. Johnny's eyes are alight, his smile twisted in a reckless way. In the sunlight he portrays adrenaline junkie quite well. "So how'd it go?!"

The rush from his words spurs a few jittery bounces from her as she struggles between laughing and breathing in general, "You should know! You were out there too driving laps around me. I bet you're instructor kissed the ground when he finally got out of the car."

Johnny snorts and dissolves into chuckles, but over his infectious laughter she doesn't hear denial. "Hey I kept it fast, but safe out there."

"Yeah! Only because you were 'racing me'." She points out while still bouncing on her toes as the adrenaline works through her.

Johnny's eyes soften before he loops his arms around her pulling her into his chest. "Come here," he murmurs while rubbing his hands up and down her back.

Lulu lets out a shaky breath and closes her eyes enjoying the pressure of his touch and the rapid thud of his heart. The suits they strapped both of them in carries a synthetic scent, but she still somehow catches roses and fresh grass. "Oh it was amazing... I can still feel the vibration of the engine all the way through to my heart. And the speed," she shakes her head pressing closer and breathing deeply as the jitters in her limbs gradually taper off, "It was like I was the one moving instead of the car. Every turn went through me... I can't even begin to describe the exhilaration." She pulls her head back just enough to notice Johnny's face a few inches away, eyes searching hers in a way that makes her swallow. "I really see why you enjoy driving so fast. It really puts you in the moment..."

Wind races by throwing her hair into further chaos around her face and shoulders. Johnny merely smiles in that way that flips her stomach and loosens her knees. And she discovers a little too late, as he combs his fingers through her hair, that she's still as much of a goner to him now as she was back then when she first laid eyes on him.

"Even looking like a wild woman, you still look unbelievably beautiful."

Lulu feigns shock as she slides a hand up his chest to rest on his shoulder, "I don't know whether to smack you or..." Her words fade away when his fingers curl over the curve of her cheek then fall under chin in an all too familiar gesture. Their eyes connect, intense and burning right to her core and it's not even a thought to lean up and—

 _"Lulu!"_

Her heart turns to stone and tears through her gut in its descent to the ground. Johnny's hands retract from around her immediately as she spins to face the steely expression her husband fixes in their direction. All the relaxation Johnny worked into her system drains in a second flat. It doesn't even feel like the sun's warmth touches her as she strides unsteadily to stand before Dante. "What're-what are you doing here?" She squeezes out through her too tight thought.

Dante looks her over once then over her shoulder before scoffing. "That's rich." His voice does anything but comfort as his eyes guard his anguish.

Lulu curls and twists her fingers together repeatedly while trying to even her breathing, "What is—"

"That's usually one of the first things you hear from someone who's got something to hide," his voice is rough with hostility as his jaw tightens. She can hardly withstand the accusation in his eyes let alone his words as she flinches. "If you must know, Lulu, you disappeared last night. You weren't answering my calls or messages, so I reasonably started calling around to see if anyone has seen you. Of course Spinelli leapt at the chance to investigate and discovered you took off in a private plane with this punk," he points over her shoulder where Johnny no doubt hangs back where he won't exasperate the situation even though she knows he wouldn't mind doing so. The fact that he isn't only proves they're both in the wrong.

Lulu's head hangs as she takes the burning guilt collapsing her ribs into her lungs and uses it to lash out in the only way she can. "So you knew I was lying when I texted you this morning and you decided to, what? To follow me here as my keeper?"

Dante lowers his head to her view where she can see all too clearly how anger and pain twists his features. "No, you don't get to do that, Lulu! I was already on my way here when Spinelli tracked where you two were headed! I thought, you know maybe Johnny had gotten into trouble as he always does and he'd pulled you into it. But I knew when you responded with that bogus response it was something else." He leans away from her as if she's repulsive before schooling his expression blank, his eyes going from her to over her shoulder one more time. "And that kiss pro—"

"We didn't kiss!" She denies heatedly, effectively elevating their private conversation towards a screaming match for the lingering staff to overhear. "Okay, I was feeling miserable. Logan died today years ago, remember? Johnny did a nice thing by taking me here and getting my mind off of things. We were coming back by the end of the day!" She explains in a reasonable pleading tone as her eyes sting and her throat becomes scratchy. "You wouldn't even be so mad if it were Maxie and me instead having run off to Manhattan for the day! Johnny and I are friends just like me and Maxie!" Even she can hear it, the sound of dirt being shifted as she digs herself deeper and it only makes her vision waver with a sheen of tears as Dante gazes at her unmoved.

He shifts a foot in her direction leaning in enough to ask her lowly, almost bitterly, "If I hadn't stopped you, would you have kissed him?"

Lulu's tongue is suddenly lead in her mouth, unable to form words as she gapes at Dante, helpless.

He nods once, curt. "I'll see you at home," he dismisses her without a second glance as he spins on his heel and walks with brisk steps away from her.

It's a miracle her feet guide her to one of the empty seats before she collapses, head right in her hands.

The seat beside hers becomes occupied not a second later. "Lulu, I'm so sorry. This is all—"

"If you say this is all your fault, I really will smack you," she grounds out while digging the heels of her palms into her eyes, willing the tears to recede. She only succeeds in smearing the salty liquid over her face.

Johnny smooths a broad hand over her shoulder blades and the pain suffocating her lungs dulls some. "It is though. I promised no flirting."

She sniffs loudly. "And I told you your charm doesn't have an off switch... at least on me. Besides it, usually, takes two to kiss even if we didn't." She leans back into his arm and lets her hands fall away as tears roll over her cheeks. "Ugh, I've made such a mess of things."

His thumb brushes over her cheeks in a soft, doting caress. "Look, everything's gonna be fine. Don't worry so much."

Lulu absorbs the seriousness in his eyes and gives a little nod before folding against his side like a natural addition to his being. "Why are you so good to me?" She whispers in what she hopes is too low for him to catch as she squeezes her eyes shut.

His arm tightens around her shoulders then settles into a comfortable hold. "Because you deserve better than the best... even if I'm not the one who should give it to you." He admits just as low, voice pressed to the crown of her head.

Lulu shakes her head and clears her throat, in no way dislodging the knot of guilt that's suddenly made a home there. "You don't even know what this is all about."

"Well you mentioned it was more than just today that was bothering you."

"Yeah it's a problem that really doesn't have to be a problem if I don't let it, despite its recurrence," she states firmly while sitting up and wiping her face of any lingering tears.

"A problem with your relationship...?" Johnny ventures and she gives him a glance over her shoulder before standing.

"Yeah, um... Let's go. We've given these good people enough of a show already." Her fingers tense and relax repeatedly as she waits for him to stand before she scurries ahead to the changing area where they locked their belongings away. She knows she's running, not wanting yet to admit to him that _he's_ the recurrence that pops up subtly in her relationship. Only now that stupid question she just had to ask herself—in the middle of sex no less—made it pretty obvious where her heart wants to be.

She locks herself in the female bathroom and works quickly to exchange the racing attire for the trendy clothes she arrived in. She eventually finds herself splashing cold water over her face then staring down her reflection with reluctance. The truth can't hide in her honey brown eyes. Her marriage is in jeopardy because she... _wanted_ to kiss Johnny. Dante knows it as much as she does. What she has to decide now is if she fights for her happy, loving, _safe_ relationship or does she take a risk _again_ and jump feet first into something mind-blowing and against all odds?

Her eyelids fall shut shielding her from the projection of her thoughts as a long breath escapes her. "Ugh, I shouldn't be doing this. I don't even know what Johnny _wants_. He might even still be hell bent on pushing me away and then this would all be for nothing." Her body drags away from the sink to grab paper towels as the thought forms in her head slick and unsettling, _So I'd just be settling instead, that's it?_

Lulu crushes the sodden towels in her hands and chucks them in the trash with a harsh growl. Chest heaving just a bit she snatches the folded suit off the counter, avoiding looking at the mirror, and storms from the room all the while wondering if she ever really learned from her mistakes.

She hardly hears the woman's kind albeit mandatory thanks and farewell when she returns the outfit, too lost in her own head. She's only pulled to the surface when Johnny smooths a hand up her arm in guiding her away out of the stadium. "Come on. I'm gonna get you somethin' to eat, then get you home to your husband."

She looks up to see his lips pursed and eyes wary despite his calm and reassuring tone—a far cry from the wild and free man he was early. Her stomach tangles furiously and she throws her arms around him hoping to soothe the regret that's no doubt badgering him. He has nothing to me sorry for. "I really appreciate what you've done for me, Johnny. Taking me to Pennsylvania to drive a NASCAR! How many people can say they have a friend willing to do they for them. It was such a sweet gesture," she breathes into his shirt, earnest.

His hand sweeps down the back of her head, holding her close. "Don't mention it, Lulu."

Standing tucked in his embrace she lets herself live out a dream that'll never become reality.

~.~

Amber lights speed by illuminating the winding streets as Johnny drives them instead back to Port Charles. Her eyes focus more on the jagged images the trees make as they spring to life from the shadows beside the road, rather than the white, warm box in her hands filled with pungent smelling food.

A hand flashes into her vision, snatching one of the items of food. It's a sufficient lure of her eyes to Johnny now eating a spring roll while driving. "What's wrong?" He asks only a few moments later. "You barely touched your wontons and spring rolls. I thought you wanted Chinese?"

Her cheeks prickle in her sudden flush as she turns her eyes back out the window, not before quickly taking a bite of one of the spring rolls. What she'd actually said in that moment was _I wouldn't mind having you on my hands and knees._ Which given that Johnny's not her husband, having sex with him would be considered pretty bad. The words had sort of slipped out with the afternoon sunlight gleaming in Johnny's dark hair and he'd been adjusting his sleeves over his forearms in that way which she'd always found attractive... It couldn't be helped what came out of her mouth in her momentary lapse in judgement.

It's lucky that Johnny sometimes has selective hearing—judging from her offer at Jake's to have wild sex with him multiple times—but this time she could've sworn his eyes had settled on her as if he'd head every single word. She won't deny the tremble that had overtaken her and the pure molten need that had tightened in her gut and oozed between her thighs before he'd agreed to Chinese in a breezy tone.

Lulu's fingers tap against the smooth box trying to be grateful for the misunderstanding. The first time was of course out of worry for his sister, err, _mom_. Claudia being his mom is something that still boggles her mind and now kind of twists her heart. As much as she despised Claudia, she only ever wanted to protect Johnny in her unique ways. At this Lulu sinks into her seat as she gazes at the passing scenery not truly seeing what's in front of her eyes. It occurs to her that most if not all of Johnny's family is dead and yet... he can't seem to escape their hold.

Johnny playing the piano at the Haunted Star the night before, his desire to get her out of town, and the upcoming Crimson Pointe make Lulu ask slow and careful like walking on eggshells, "Why were you really at the Haunted Star last night, Johnny?"

His fingers flex then curl around the steering wheel, and the breath that leaves his lungs feels as if it carries his surrender. "You got me. I wasn't lying about not having played in a long time though. The song you walked in on was... something I wrote when Sonny gave me that three week vacation in a padded cell."

Lulu nibbles at her wonton hoping that her somewhat normal behavior will urge him on. "You wrote a song? How come you never played it for me?"

One of his hands slides off the steering wheel where his fingers move to brush at his chin. A slight sign she knows means he's agitated. "It was special. Something I might've played at a five year anniversary or like a wedding song maybe."

Johnny's never this vague or indirect unless he's hiding something, she knows. And from the emotion snagging at his words she can guess with certainty what the missing words are. Lulu sits the mostly empty food cartoon down in her lap as she watches the _Welcome to Port Charles_ sign become a spec in the side view mirror. "It's been, um, almost five years since we met, huh?" She feels oddly hollow saying it out loud.

Johnny seems to take a moment to swallow before rasping, "Yeah." A silence thickens in the space surrounding them until he continues, "I just wanted to go back to a time before I started making stupid decisions."

His words swirl right in her heart causing her to bite her lip and gaze fleetingly at his rigid profile as she considers. The town's buildings begin to open up around them sapping what little time she has left and she blurts, "Let's go to the Haunted Star."

She feels the weight of his stare briefly. "Lulu..."

"No, look! I told Dante I would come home by the end of the day and there's still a few hours left in the day. Besides there's something I want to discuss with you," her words spill forth as her body tenses waiting for him to decide.

He doesn't answer her verbally, but when the car takes an abrupt heart jumping U-turn, she feels a frail smile strengthen over her lips.


	3. Chapter 3

**~3~**

Lulu strides quickly onto the ship ahead of Johnny with her phone in hand. A mass message is open to Carly, Maxie, Spinelli, and, surprisingly, Jason. Her fingers fly across the illuminated screen, tapping and sending out the message before she shuts her phone off.

 _I'm fine. Dante overreacted. I just needed to get away for the day._

She reaches the bar just as Johnny's footsteps halt a distance behind her followed by the blunt drop of his question. "So what's his all about, Lulu?"

 _What is this all about indeed?_ She had decided to settle, to leave her feelings buried where they belong back in Pennsylvania, until Johnny mentioned the song he wrote. The song that conveyed such beauty and heartfelt love. She needs answers. And as she whirls around, dumping her purse on a stool so her arms can spread wide across the bar behind her, she intends to get them.

"Let's face it, Johnny. When we were together, you weren't honest with me. About Michael's shooting or whether or not you wanted to be apart of the business. You didn't _trust_ me," she emphasizes by leaning forward a smidge, not letting her eyes waver from his stance underneath the silvery blue skylight.

He bristles a bit, his jaw tightening before he retorts firmly, "It wasn't about trust—"

"The hell it wasn't!" She straightens up, hands sliding to curl at her sides. "You thought I would hate you for what happened. You thought we weren't strong enough to withstand it, despite making a promise to stick together through the hard stuff. You thought, Johnny, that I could not handle the idea of you being apart of the mob, when all I really wanted was the best for you," her words slow from an angry barrage so that he can feel what she believes is the truth settle right under his skin.

His eyes linger on her for several moments reading her. Then he lets go of a breath and nods slowly as his shoulders fall. "You're right about most of it, Lulu. I knew you wouldn't want anything to do with me once you found out about my involvement—"

"Do I hate you now?" She cuts in, eyebrows raised.

He looks at her, then sighs with a wry upwards twist of his lips while making his way to the roulette table closer to her. "I certainly hope not." He takes a random spin letting the clicks fill the silence.

She folds her hands together and says with certainty, "We would've made it through that, if you were honest that is. I get that you wanted to protect your sister, um, mom—" she moves on after the pain storming through his eyes stabs her heart. "But I feel like if we're here now without any bad feelings between us, that ugly mess back then would've worked itself out too."

Johnny fixes the smooth ball back where it started as the wheel gradually comes to a stop. When he faces her fully she feels as if the wall keeping them apart for numerous reasons gains a fissure. "Maybe you're right." Her nerves nearly thrum in his agreement. "But I was right about something to here too," he says in the same breath. "I was being honest about not wanting anything to do with the mob anymore. I don't want that life, Lulu. But when I left and lived with you and Maxie you used to treat me as if a bomb would go off if things went wrong."

Lulu opens her mouth, then closes it to make sure her words have all formed correctly all the while under Johnny's intense scrutiny. "No offense, but you had lived your whole life with everything you could want at the snap of your fingers. I just didn't want you to snap or something!" Her voice goes a bit high as she tries to get him to understand her reasoning. "But I'll admit I was a bit overbearing during that..." She trails off when she notices the dead silence coming from Johnny.

He's almost recoiled from her, his figure taut, eyebrows pinched, and skin blanched. His eyes look stricken as he comes right out with, "You didn't want me to snap? Lulu, did you think I would hurt you?"

Lulu doesn't even realize she moves, the urge to erase her previous words, to scrub away any doubt burning through him emerges so strong. "No, no, no, no, no! I know you would never hurt me, Johnny! That us not what I meant," she breathes fiercely only a scant few inches in front of him as she gazes up to see his face. Her hand curls around his gripping the rim of the roulette table and carefully guides her thumb back and forth over his skin in silent pleading. "I just meant that I thought you would give up."

Her heart flutters when he eases into her presence once more, then all but batters her ribs when he slides a coarse palm up her bare arm to rest atop her shoulder creating an intimate closeness between them. "I guess I did give up," he admits heavily, head tilted slightly as he beholds her in that way that makes her feel as if she's too good to even share the same air as him. "Lulu, I only ever wanted for you to be safe and loved and happy," he tells her quiet and smooth like the sweetest chocolate warming her belly and she wonders if he notices how easily she melts for him.

Johnny looks down and gives her a furtive glance as he confesses something that makes her stomach do cartwheels. "Even after all this time... I still wish I could be the one who could give that to you—who you'd _want_ to give that to you."

"I want you, Johnny! _You,"_ Lulu assets fervent and breathless as her eyes flick between his, wide and utterly euphoric. Johnny only has time to blink before she slides her fingers up his forearm and chest, slotting her body right in place against his as she slants her lips over his. Every nerve ending goes off like the fireworks outside the moment she's reunited with the soft-assertive paradox of his kiss. She nearly forgets how to breathe when his arm loops around her waist dipping her enough so that he can plunder her mouth, kiss after kiss, their breaths shuddering and mixing until she feels herself on the verge of swooning. Her hands tremble before wrapping around his shoulders and clutching. This is everything she wanted and—

Johnny's lips break away from hers like a physical ache she wants gone instantly. "No, we shouldn't do this," he gasps, insistent in holding her at arms length.

Lulu attempts to move in closer regardless feeling her voice crack as she demands, "Why not?"

The look he gives her is harsh with reproach so much so she actually bites her lip and looks away. "Well for one thing your married and I'm with Carly."

She shakes her head to try and deny his words as her heart gives a pang of regret.

His knuckles run over her cheek gently before his fingers coax her chin upwards to meet his eyes. "I only want to do this if there's no chance in hell your husband will get to have you again."

She takes a single even breath and feels in the space of one heartbeat her resolution rain down upon her like a warm summer shower from head to toe, coiling all the way to her soul. It's beyond relieving to gaze into Johnny's eyes and tell him simply worth a triumphant grin, "Dante doesn't have a chance in hell of having me again."

Johnny doesn't waste a breath in keeping their lips apart. The moment their mouths meet he cups her cheeks and begins a mind numbing, sensual exploration of her mouth. Everything is slow, patient—the way his thumb caresses her cheek as he worries her bottom lip between his teeth, the toe curling glide of his tongue over the tingling area before he delves into her mouth, all the way down to the almost sinful way he maps out every spot in her mouth until she's quivering in his arms, whimpering and moaning with flushed skin. When he lets her breathe fully again, his mouth is snagging across her skin, down her jaw to a spot behind her ear that his teeth nip and tease. Lulu's eyes flutter in bliss as she keens his name.

Sensitive doesn't even begin to describe how she feels within her confining clothes. It's positively unbearable especially when his hand smoothes down her back and lands on the curve of her backside where his fingers curl into her flesh. The sound she makes when he grinds the rigid length of him into her shocks even her. Before she knows it, the heat swelling between them melts away her higher level of thinking and she finds her hands tugging at the collar of his shirt as if it's the most complex thing known in existence. "Johnny, please..."

His lips reluctantly part from her neck and she shivers as the tip of his nose runs up until his lips brush the tip of her ear. "I'm not making love to you on the floor this time. We're upgrading to a bed." She gasps as he sweeps her up in into his arms, probably knowing that her legs have become as weak as jelly at this point.

Lulu doesn't pay attention to passing scenery, instead finding an intense fascination with the skin of Johnny's neck. She lets her tongue run over the spot where his pulse jumps repeatedly, savoring the unique taste that saturates his flesh until she gives him a nibble that pulls a heady groan from him. His taste, sound, and scent focus keenly on the wet throb she clenches tightly between her legs. Dragging her nails up the back of his neck, Lulu purrs right against his skin, "I love how you taste..."

A bed suddenly appears underneath her, her body bouncing slightly from having been dropped. She looks up from her place at the foot of the bed to where Johnny stands, eyeing her with blatant reverence and desire. Sluggishly as a tease, she's sure, he begins to undo the buttons of his shirt revealing a sinewy torso and the spread of dark chest hair in the pale moonlight. "I wouldn't mind getting to taste all of you," he husks deep and alluring before dropping his shirt to the ground and reaching for her foot.

When he removes her shoes, Lulu jumps into action, yanking her suffocating burgundy blouse over her head and tousling her hair. Johnny's fingers graze the skin of her belly causing her to fold her lip between her teeth to conceal a whine at the blaze just that little touch causes. It's a relief to have him pull down her beige pants leaving her in more freeing black lace. Her breathing is off balance with anticipation when she reaches for her bra only for his hands to scoop hers up, halting her momentarily, and locking their eyes in a charged connection.

"Wait..." Johnny whispers then runs his fingers from her temple to her jaw as his eyes drink in every aspect of her face which warms under his fond attention. "I want you to know that nothing ever changed for me, Lulu. I still feel funny when I'm around you—in a good way." His lips spread wide, soft and delighted, and she feels goosebumps rise over her flesh and her heart skip beats all at once. "I still love you, Lulu."

Her left hand comes to rest over his cheek and her voice thickens with adoration, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't feel the same. I'll always love you, Johnny."

Their lips meet in a soft sweet as candy kiss more filling than any of the others before it. It leads to her hands making a gradual path down his chest, her nails skimming over his nipples and between the dips of his muscles until they feather over his lower belly which twitches. When his hips buck and he breathes an almost inaudible moan down her throat she takes advantage, rolling her tongue along his and making quick work of his belt buckle. Johnny assists by kicking off his shoes and removing his pants all while attempting to keep their lips latched while she giggles at his failures.

In retaliation for her laughter, Johnny tackles her gently onto the bed forcing a squeal to erupt from her throat. "You thought that was funny did you?" He asks mildly, hovering over her as his nose just grazes her own.

"I thought that was _hilarious,"_ she responds with a too wide grin as she cradles his waist between her knees and knots her fingers through his hair. There's a pleasant fizz like sensation that runs under her skin from being under his loving gaze.

"Well, what do you think of this?" The words roll throaty against her lips.

And just like that a switch is flicked.

The mood already thrumming with tension goes up in flames like dry leaves. Johnny rocks against her in a fluid motion. Her breath sticks in her lungs while her heart hammers throughout her veins at an alarming pace. He does it again as his lips fall to her collarbone like a drop of ember. She makes a shaky sound as her body rolls salaciously into his, her hands moving down to dig into the muscles of his back.

Johnny doesn't let up despite there being too many layers still present and the blush spreading down her neck to her heaving chest grows deeper as a molten pressure coils right where he thrusts. His hand begins to climb up her side almost too much for her prickling nerves to handle while he sucks down her chest. _"So gorgeous,"_ he growls just before reaching under her and unhooking her bra with a flick of his wrist.

Lulu is fast in getting the thing off before she's pulling Johnny down flush against her and crushing their mouths together in a frenzy of lips and tongue. The feel of his weight atop of her, the twitch of his skin against hers, and his cock kept away by his boxers and her soaked panties makes her curl her nails into his shoulders in frustration. "If you don't get inside me, I don't know what I'm gonna do, Johnny," her voice quakes as he gives as particularly deep rock of his hips.

"You want me that bad?" He teases while dragging a hand up to cover her breast.

The rough pad of his thumb scraping over her pebbled nipple slackens her jaw. Need piping hot zings right down to her sopping core and she finds she can't even try to retort to the pleased weight of his stare, instead agreeing breathlessly, _"Yes..."_

When his fingers move to hook in the rim of her panties, she nearly cries in relief. "Who am I to keep my lady waiting?" The material is tugged down her legs revealing her trimmed blond curls leading down to her slick folds for Johnny to see when he tosses her panties off to the side. Lulu's breaths come quick in anticipation as his fingers settle carefully around her calves in order to spread her legs in precise movements. Not an ounce of nervousness settles in her veins only a rush of belonging as she waits for him to come and take his rightful place. That is until she notices a familiar gleam darken his eyes and his lips curve in a feral smirk.

Dante was always happy to please her in any way her could. But Johnny always had this wild eagerness when it came to getting her off—with his hands, his mouth, or his cock—that still makes her quiver in remembrance.

And then he's peeling off his boxers, giving her a perfect eyeful of his rigid desire for her, and all ideas of having to remember past experiences is washed with the future in front of her.

She's stretching her hands out for him as his fingers curl around her hips, but instead of sliding between her open legs he pauses, expression becoming conflicted. Body taught from arousal so demanding she's certain she'll scream if he backs out now, Lulu can't fault herself when her words come out ferocious, "If the next words out of your mouth aren't: _'How fast do you want it?'_ I swear to god, Johnny..."

His laugh sounds a little guilty when he slides down and covers her fully. Her blood begins to boil under her skin when she feels him hot and ready, pressed right against her provoking and a choked mewl from her. The sensation merely intensifies when he meshes their lips, dragging his tongue along hers as her head becomes dizzy. "I didn't bring anything, Lu," he murmurs regrettably, brushing a kiss to her swollen lips.

Lulu smiles lazily as she twines her arms behind his neck. "I'm on birth control. Now make love to me already."

She can feel his heartbeat flitting away near her own as his fingertips tickle up the back of her thigh, bringing it up to rest fully around his waist. And then he starts to roll his hips, sinking to the base, sending bolts of pleasure surging throughout her being at finally being reunited in such a way. They begin to move naturally together without prompt, her body arching readily into his deep, toe-curling thrusts. If she could describe what heaven feels like, it would be right there, being as close as possible and still finding herself wanting more.

Her nails scratch along his scalp and follow the path down his spine as her mind becomes overloaded with the sensations Johnny brings her. She loves how his hands never stay in place for too long. As the bedsprings begin to creak she feels his rough palms grip her backside tight as his cock plows into her eliciting breathy squeals from her throat. Her noises hitch and elongate when she gyrates into his strokes, loving the way he groans and grunts heavily into the side of her neck as his muscles tense and quiver. It feels good to knock him a little off balance even if he only comes back stronger, his lips searing a delicious path down her neck to start off. Then the lightest touch of his fingertips plays up her ribs eliciting a needy whine before he proceeds to fondle her breasts. At this point it's all she can do to keep from shaking apart as he strikes and grinds every wondrous spot within her relentlessly, driving her to turn her head into his to whimper nonsensical words of rising bliss.

Johnny Zacchara isn't known for doing anything in halves. So the smirk she feels pressed right up against the hollow of her throat as she attempts to writhe out of her skin is a result of his effort. He doesn't let up on her breasts until her nipples are pinched and rolled to flushed points, sending her pleasure climbing as sweat streams from their skin and her throat is left on the raw side. Ultimately his hands skim up her arms and lace their fingers together on either side of her head as their eyes lock, intense and heated—a silent _I love you._ He dips his head down capturing her lips with a feeling like intoxicating sparks that aid the coil searing away in her core by the second.

It's like her lungs can't retain enough air and her heart is beating so fast, surely it'll stop? Her legs twitch around Johnny as his thrusts turn shallow, the friction almost becoming to intense for her to as she moans brokenly into his mouth. She feels his muscles bunching and relaxing, his body stoking the growing fire within her until they erupt in roaring flames, forcing her to break away from the kiss to shout in ecstasy from the burn. Her orgasm takes her in skin tingling, mind-blowing, fluttering waves that milk Johnny until he's grunting hotly above her. It flows on and on as her mind whirls and the pleasure becomes an all consuming peak. Then, finally, as she takes a quivering breath, she reflexively arches into him as he spills within her wanting to grind out the last of their satisfaction until their bodies gradually slow and sink into the bed with ragged breaths.

His weight rests on top of her comfortably for a bit until Johnny moves to her side and drags their weary bodies underneath the covers as their sweat eventually cools. Lulu's mind is already under the pleasant daze of orgasmic bliss when Johnny wraps her in his arms and plants a kiss on her sweaty forehead. She hears him whisper something, feels the three words against her skin. But she's already drifted off to sleep before she can make them out let alone respond.

* * *

 **The rust on this love scene is showing and I apologize. There's a reason why I took a break from writing and my other unnamed account. But anyway, I hope it wasn't too cringe worthy for anyone's tastes.**


	4. Chapter 4

**~4~**

Lulu isn't sure what wakes her until she notices the distinct lack of arms around her. Johnny's not in bed with her anymore. But the sleep fogging her mind doesn't prevent her from catching his voice not too far away.

"...done this. You were so clear on how you wanted us to be honest with each other, and already, before things have even had a chance to really start been us, I've been lyin' to you."

She had been planning to get up and figure out what was going on until those words freeze the very blood in her veins. _Johnny's talking to me,_ the realization drags slowly before bubbling into fury. _And using me as a supposed sleeping confessional!_ She maintains her cover though in order to hear all of what he has to say.

"Lulu, what I've kept from you is worse than my involvement with Michael's shooting." He takes a breath here and each word that comes next is rawer than the last as if he's swallowing glass repeatedly, gratefully, in hopes of repentance. "I guess you could say I did snap and went after my father... My _grandfather._ But instead that innocent man and little girl paid the price."

Lulu's heart splinters and cracks as she listens to Johnny struggle to breathe around his silent sobs that barely make a dent in the quiet strangling the room. She's not even certain if she's ever seen him cry before let alone heard him and wants nothing more than to hold him despite the horror spiking through her blood. Johnny was responsible... and obviously it's shredding apart his haggard soul.

He clears his throat imperceptibly and his words come out thick, "There's not a day that doesn't go by where I don't feel sick seeing a man and his daughter together—where I don't hate myself, Lu. If only the horror show ended there."

Lulu fights with herself not to make a stray sound or out of place motion that can give her away especially since from the direction of his voice he's probably watching her... Maybe even using her image as a source of courage.

"My fa-grandfather tried to kill me," he tells her after a sniffle. "But he ended up shot instead. I could've gotten him help, Lu, but after everything... After everything he's done, I killed him instead."

Lulu's fingers curl in the sheets as she feels a little woozy despite lying down. Anthony is not missed by any means, but Johnny being the one to do it had to destroy something inside of him no matter how much he hated the old man. Anthony was the only father Johnny ever knew... However even through all the anguish she feels for Johnny there's a grain of burning fury. _He let her dad take the blame for Anthony's murder and tried to make her doubt own father._

Through her internal conflicts she almost misses his whispered words, "I've seen his ghost a few times, haunting me for the things I've done. I never did believe the Zaccharas were a bedrock for sanity."

Lulu's lips press harshly together as she feels her face warm and her throat become horribly scratchy and tight.

"I know it's just the guilt getting to me and after what happened between us and what you said... I've decided to go to the PCPD and confess." The sound of his shoes over the smooth ground grow in sound as he draws near. "I'd rather not risk a repeat of before. Honesty is the best policy, right?" He tries to joke but his tone is too flat, bleak, and he winds up just sighing.

When she feels his hand rest on her hair gentle and warm her already frantic heartbeat nearly forces her anger and sorrow outward in salty rivers. His lips grace her forehead, lingering for so long, she can almost trick herself into believing this is some kind of nightmare she'll wake up from. But then he pulls away and rests his forehead against hers and says for only her to hear, "I love you, Lulu. And if I could have things my way... we'd run off to someplace where all this could be left behind. No violence, no regrets. Just whatever we could build together."

And then his warmth falls away from her and his footfalls start to retreat. That's all it really takes for Lulu to open her mouth in a quiet act of defiance. "So what? I was supposed to just wake up in the morning thinking you were out to get us some breakfast, and, come to find out, you were sentenced to twenty or more years in prison!" Her eyes hone in on his prone figure like infuriated missiles.

Johnny can't even turn to look at her. "Lulu..."

She sits up, tugging the blanket around her bare chest with a derisive laugh. "I've thought of you as a lot of things, but never a coward, Johnny."

 _"I didn't want you to hate me!"_ His explosion resounds around the room, but what's more impactful is the tear tracks down his cheeks when he faces her, still making their decent.

"I don't hate you," she responds, in contrast, quieter while pushing from the bed, wrapped in sheets. "Disappointed, angry, hurt for you... The list goes on. Hating you isn't on it, Johnny," she says honestly while Johnny covers his mouth, shoulders shaking as he continues to cry. It rends her heart into a broken mess causing her to fold him in her arms and be the comfort for him for once. He holds onto her as if she's the only reason he hasn't slipped away.

After a while he seems to gain control and his hold is no longer constricting, but appreciative. She rubs her hands up and down his back while listening to his heart pitter patter away in his chest, having used the time to settle some of her battling thoughts. Pulling back, Lulu smoothes the lingering tears on his cheeks away with her thumbs and asks, "Were you serious about running away? I mean, we could go to Switzerland and start fresh there."

The moonlight glints off the hope creeping in his eyes. She feels the way his hands curl around her arms with a slack grip as if she's not even there, her words seemingly unreal to him. "You're... serious?" He breathes.

"You ran away with me once, didn't you?" She lifts an eyebrow.

His smile is breathtaking in its elated joy and almost extinguishes her sole grievance with him. That is until he leans down with intentions of a kiss and her hand comes up to cover his mouth, halting him in place.

She ignores the flash of shock that travels through his eyes as her frown sets in place. "Before any of that can happen though, you need to use whatever connections you have to get the PCPD's sights off my dad. I can't believe you were willing to let him take the fall!"

Johnny takes her wrist in hand and places a delicate kiss to her fingers then palm as remorse roughens his tone, "I'm sorry, Lulu. And you're right. He's your father. I know how much you love him." He exhales and the honesty in his eyes tempers her simmering feelings. "I'll make a few calls and see what I can pull together... But after this we'll most likely have to disappear."

She shoves him lightly towards the door with a smile tucked in her cheeks. "Then go get everything ready then! Pack us a getaway bag so we can go see the Swiss Alps already." Despite the lopsided grin that overtakes his lips, his eyes still question her certainty proving to her that she's making the right decision. Johnny will always put her needs above his own. "It's okay. I can always come back here to visit. And who knows? By then we might be married so I wouldn't even be able to testify against you if this case is still even a thing," she waves her hand nonchalantly, dropping her head to hide the sudden rush of heat in her cheeks from voicing that thought aloud.

Johnny doesn't have any of her hiding though as she finds before she can even breathe he's crushed her to his chest and locked her lips with his in a flurry of passion. Standing, breathing, thoughts they're all useless in the face of his mouth pouring his love, slow, deep, and unforgettable into her soul. No other man can connect so beautifully with her the way Johnny does and she holds onto the wondrous sensation as he pulls away with panting breaths.

"I'm gonna go get things started for the rest of our lives," he peppers her cheeks in little excited kisses and she giggles around his name until he leans away to peer into her eyes. His love for her is hopelessly on the surface and she feels her own for him well up right along with it. "I'll see you in a bit, okay?"

She nods a few times stepping out of his hold to brace her hands against a dresser as if to silently shoo him. Lulu waits until Johnny leaves before searching through the drawers for something suitable to wear. The least she can do is freshen up before they make their getaway. Her hand encircles around a silky light blue slip as things really begin to dawn on her. "I am going to miss my friends and family... But this life with Johnny... I don't want to give it up."

 ** _Boom!_**

She jumps as a noise shakes the foundation of the boat for an instant only to let all the tension coiling through her muscles out in a breath when she realizes it's thunder. Curling blond hair behind her ear she notices how darkness has seemingly swallowed up the room and recognizing objects other than the full slip in her hand will be nearly impossible. She turns in hopes of maybe finding her phone for the flashlight.

 ** _BOOM! BOOM!_**

Lulu holds still and more rigid than any statue, not even taking a breath. And then like a snap of lightning her body jumps in quivers as the noise replays over and over in her mind. That wasn't thunder. That was...

She's gulping down air and none of it seems to stay as her hands quake in removing the covers wrapping her. The straps are nearly torn on the slip as she throws it on in haste. And then she's walking from the room and through the darkened halls with the grace of a zombie, her thudding heartbeat her only company. Slow jumbled footsteps turn into a staccato walk which morphs into a full pounding sprint. Everything crashes to a halt, pieces flying and lost never to be found again, when she reaches the center of the Haunted Star.

Dante stands soaked, gun hanging in his hand at his side to the far side of the room, his eyes jumping up to her wide with shock. But that hardly matters to her at the sight of Johnny on the ground, limp as crimson pools from two places in his torso.

There's a stomach curdling, lung punching sound that scratches at her ears suddenly. It shocks her that it's her own screams when her throat starts to burn and tear. She can't seem to stop making them though as she falls to Johnny's side and lifts a shaking hand to his ashen face before throwing her head around in every direction for something, anything to make this not be real... And landing on Dante.

 _"Help him! Call an ambulance!"_

His phone is already to his ear and he ends it right after her shrieks. By now she's on the verge of hyperventilating because Johnny has only looked so pale when he was really unwell and he hasn't responded to her touch and there's so much blood... Dante's hands appear with two balled up cloths, pressing them to the spot near Johnny's heart and lower on his stomach.

Lulu chokes on her breath as she forces all the horror, the fright, and sickness to hideaway for a bit so she can be strong for Johnny. Sniffing, she runs her thumb over the smudge of crimson on the corner of his lip, hiding it away too as she promises thickly, "You're gonna be fine, Johnny. You have so much to live for. Remember what we just talked about? You have... Y-you have no reason to give up just yet." The sound of thudding footsteps entering the boat and calls for location don't bring her attention away as Dante responds anyway. Instead she places a chaste kiss on Johnny's forehead as tears drip down her cheeks. "Don't leave me okay?"

The paramedics sweep in and immediately get him on a gurney to take to the ambulance. Lulu follows right behind not even acknowledging Dante's presence, because right now there's a thin thread pulling inside of her attached to Johnny's life. She has no idea what she'll do if it snaps.

~.~

She doesn't feel the chill from the rain that soaked her to the bone. The jacket one of the EMTs gave her isn't the reason for that either. She simply can't feel anything besides the warmth of the limp hand in hers, nor can she hear anything besides the heart monitor as the ambulance pulls up at General Hospital. The heart rate monitor flat lined twice along the way and at this point Lulu is certain she doesn't want to know what it would be like to live without Johnny. Twice was too much.

The EMTs deliver a bunch of medical jargon that fly over her head as she trails behind them solemn, broken and empty, watching the part that can fill and mend her be carted away from her useless touch. Regardless she continues to march after them, keeping her tunnel vision on what she can see of Johnny until he disappears behind a blue curtain. She intends to follow until hands go around her shoulders preventing her from doing so.

"Oh my god, honey, what is going on? Dante left me a message saying I should get down here and that Johnny was _shot?"_ Her hands run over Lulu's hair soothingly, "You are so wet. We need to get you a towel." The concern is prevalent in the woman's voice—Carly, her mind mentally provides while her floral scent tries to cut through the antiseptic smell that is the hospital.

Lulu almost gives into the urge to buck the hands holding her back as the curtain remains in place like a slowly constricting rope around her ribs. Elizabeth Webber, brunet sheeny hair and soft sympathetic doe eyes, passes before her view with said towels though and Lulu is rubbed down by people that only care about her, not the man who could be dying. "I don't care about me. I care about Johnny," she croaks desperately on the verge of losing her resolve to be the strong one.

Carly who's kneeling at her feet clicks her tongue. "You walked here in no shoes, Lulu? You probably have—"

 _"Stop!"_ Her heart hasn't stopped hurting from the small curled up place in her chest it's made itself and tears run hot down her cheeks. She spies them all. Elizabeth, Carly, and Maxie, Spinelli, Jason, and Dante off to the side. They do nothing but make her feel as if she's caged and being slowly submerged underwater because none of them are who she wants to see right now. "I don't need help right now! He does."

Carly straightens up and fixes her with a look reason—as if being rational is what she needs right now. "The doctors are doing what they can to stabilize him for surgery—"

A cacophony of noises blare through the air like an omen.

No one sees her dart forward like a bullet, her reaction is so swift. This is her belief until leather clad arms ensnare her, lifting her from the ground as she tries to throw her weight around and break free. Her heart claws at her ribs as she shrieks Johnny's name again and again. The machines don't let up an unending nightmare and Jason is a stone wall keeping her from the blue barrier that could end it all.

The cacophony abruptly ceases.

Lulu rattles in Jason's arms as he holds her on her feet but doesn't allow her freedom while she sucks in her terrified sounds. The machines stopping has to be a good sign. It _has_ to be.

The doctor—smooth dark hair, grave faced, Dr. Finn—squeezes from between the curtains and says the one thing he shouldn't have.

"We did everything we could."

Lulu's meaning all but fades away.

She must cause a hell of a commotion as her world falls to oblivion at her feet, because a prick is soon felt in her arm and the world, the _agony,_ all dissolve away. Lulu likes to think that this way, in the numb quiet of darkness, she gets to go be with Johnny like they both planned all along.

* * *

 **I hope to have time to finish this one day! It certainly has General Hospital potential! Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**~5~**

Waking up is like dragging the weight of her body from beneath quicksand. Her head swims and she feels worse for wear as the dim lights above her focus in her sights. Instantly, she hears someone inhale sharply and her head lolls from one side to the other as her strength gradually comes back to her. Spinelli's downcast demeanor to one side, then Maxie's red rimmed eyes on her other churn her insides. Lulu's mind is bringing up a blank. "What happened?" Her voice barely reaches a whisper as she notes her sandpaper throat.

"The fair blond one experienced a rather harrowing mel-"

"What Spinelli means is," Maxie cuts into Spinelli's words, voice unusually quiet and words far from spirited. "You didn't take it so well when Dr. Finn announced... Johnny's death."

Lulu pushes herself up against the head of the bed, pressing tighter and tighter against it as her head moves from side to side in a frail shake. Neither Spinelli nor Maxie's expressions change and her chest caves inward as she loses her breath. "It can't be real. It can't be, _please,"_ she begs feeling hot tears overflow. She brings her hands up to try and muffle her sobs, curling up for a moment as waves of anguish wear away at her. Johnny was just there, kissing her, loving her, and promising her a future.

And now she'll never experience another moment with him.

Sucking in a feeble breath, Lulu looks to her friends more than willing to give her support and pleads, "Please, take me to him. I want to see, Johnny."

Spinelli reaches to assist her out of bed, his motions in haste then gentle when he has an arm around her. "Of course, fair Lulu."

Lulu makes a valiant attempt to to cage her cries or at least lower them to sniffles as the trio emerge from the room. However her feet pull them to a stop when she notices Dante fidgeting outside of her room. Their eyes meet and the guilty desperation weighing his gaze shifts memories in her mind that nearly make her recoil. Dante's mouth opens and Lulu tugs on Maxie's arm looped through her own and yanks on the front of Spinelli's hoodie in her desire to speed ahead.

"Lulu?"

"Not now," she interrupts Maxie in a voice vaguely resembling a hoarse strength. "I just need to see him."

There's a lot that needs to be said between her and Dante. But as the elevator doors slide shut, sealing off her view of him, her roiling emotions toward him are put on the backburner for ones far more pressing.

The elevator jolts to a stop. The cheery ding it gives contrasts with the dismal and overall bleak feel the hall before displays. In reaction, Lulu bites her quivering lip when her friends carefully guide her through it. The situation is almost reminiscent of her stay at Shadybrook except now it's her heart that's not all there, not her mind.

Before she knows it a door appears before them and Spinelli steps ahead to knock insistently upon it.

"Carly's already been to see him. We've kind of just been waiting for you," Maxie explains thickly just before the door swings open.

A graying man in a white coat looks down upon them through circular spectacles. "What do you three want?"

Spinelli's hands move in pacifying gestures as he moves to quickly explain, "Our friend here most urgently needs to see the, um, recently deceased. He was very important to her and as you can see she's, well, heartbroken." His hands come to lay upon her shoulders and Lulu releases a ragged breath while blinking through her tears.

The lines around the man's eyes soften considerably. "He was just brought in. Take as much time as you need." He removes himself from the opening of the doorway.

Her blood is frigid in her veins leaving a constant tremble throughout her frame. Despite this, Lulu gives a jerky nod of thanks to her friends before leaving their sides. Stepping into the room is like entering another world, one where everything is glaringly bright and clear and nothing can hide. Johnny lies nearly as white as the sheet that covers up to his neck, his face lax as if in sleep. She comes to stand over him, face contorting as his unmoving chest tells a different story.

Lifting a quivering hand she runs her fingers through the soft waves of his dark hair and lowers her heavy body into a cushioned stool right beside him. Her eyes never leave his face as her fingers work through his hair over and over. "I can't believe this happened. I can't believe this is _real."_ Her other hand begins to trace his eyebrows, his shut eyelids, the ridge of his nose, the swell of his cheeks, his cleft jaw, and the purse of his lips with tender fingertips. The need to remember his every feature is consuming.

Her lips form a cracked, wet smile as she cups his cheek. "I keep thinking, what could've prevented this? And the answer is simple: _Me._ If I hadn't convinced you to come back to the Haunted Star, you wouldn't have gotten shot." Her voice is wrought with remorse as she curls towards him. "You're here because of me and I'm... _I'm so sorry."_

When he doesn't react, pulling her into his arms to explain away her guilt with one of his well thought out answers like she's used to, her sorrow becomes all she knows. With a sniffle, Lulu brings her hands down to grasp his where she massages her thumbs into his skin. "I wish this cold was something simple I could make go away. I would hold you through it until you felt better. _I would hold you forever if they let me."_ Her voice quivers and wobbles until it breaks around the room as she searches for his scent, a hint a warmth, a lingering sign that his soul is there with hers... and comes up empty.

Her voice becomes tiny and shaken as she leans her forehead against his. "I love you so much, Johnny. I don't k-know how I'm gonna leave you like this. I can't just bust you out of here with a gun." Her shoulders shake as she closes her eyes through the emotion cutting her to pieces. "I'm never really leaving this place am I? The bright lights, the shiny instruments, the frigid table..." She punctuates each word, then digs her teeth into her lip before whimpering, "and eventually the _casket underground._ Wherever you go, I'll be there in the back of my mind, waiting for the day when you and I can be together again."

Slowly, as light as a graze of wind, Lulu drags her fingers down the sides of his face then pours every once of love into a lingering kiss. Then after a long moment she pulls back a breadth, wipes her teardrops from his face, and breathes, "That's the fate I chose for us. I just hope you can forgive me for it, Johnny."

She's not sure how long it takes her to pull completely away, but eventually some strength, fast fading, allows her to lift up from her seat and painstakingly turn away from Johnny. It's only when the door clicks shut behind her does the will to leave dissolve. She nearly whirls around to dash back into the morgue except Spinelli catches her around the shoulders and waist resulting in her heaving cries. _"How do I do this!? How do I just leave him there alone!?"_

Maxie moves in front of her, taking a grip of Lulu's upper arms in a show of empathy. "I understand what you're going through. When Georgie died, the pain weighed on me like a million tons of cement. Everywhere I went I was reminded of things she liked, things she did, things we did together... " she shakes her head as her eyes become watery in remembrance. "I couldn't stop thinking about how much time she still had left that was taken away from her. I didn't want to let her go. But it took me a while to realize staying stuck in the pain of losing her isn't what she would want." Maxie's eyes harden as her tone becomes serious. "The grief is agonizing at first, but you learn to live with it. You learn that living is what they would want from you and how you keep them alive." She points to the spot where Lulu still feels horribly hollow. "Right there inside of you. Johnny wouldn't want you to put your life on hold for him, Lulu. You know that."

Lulu sniffles, expression crumbling as nods, trying so hard to believe Maxie's words.

Maxie hugs her, brushing a hand down her unkempt hair. "Come on, let's get you home and cleaned up."

Lulu allows them to guide her away despite the yearning in her soul that pleads with her to stay.

~.~

That morning she'd awoken to the headlining news about the "Mob Prince" Johnny Zacchara's funeral set for that day after having recently been gunned down for good. Lulu had suddenly developed a new deep seated hatred for journalists.

The funeral procession had been small with those having shown up the day he died being the only ones in attendance with the addition of Olivia Falconeri and Michael Corinthos III. The police had supplied security as a buffer to the press—she suspected as a courtesy of Dante. The entire ceremony was like being slowly buried alive and she didn't really notice the suffocation until they closed his casket, sealing Johnny away from her forever.

The burning stitch in her chest hasn't really solved itself since. In fact, it feels worse as she leans against the side of his headstone erected from the ground. But she figures she'll learn to get used to the devastation as Maxie said. That or she'll get better at lying to herself that she is.

She uses the tip of her finger to trace each letter of his name silently as the sunlight glints off the wetness of her cheeks.

Johnny Anthony Zacchara

November 22, 1983 - July 5, 2012

A man with a soul of beauty and a love worth cherishing. His wild spirit and incredible heart will live on through those closest to him.

Lulu smooths her black dress over her folded legs before fingering the bright red roses on the freshly placed dirt. "I know you loved your mom, well Maria, I guess. I mean she was the mom you knew. So I figured I'd bring some of her favorite roses from your old home." She pauses and looks to the silver headstone as if expecting Johnny to materialize and give her an odd smile in answer.

She looks back down to wipe moisture from her eyes. "Gosh I hope this isn't weird. I mean, this is going to be our new meeting spot after all, so get used to me talking your ear off."

The leaves in the surrounding trees sway gently in the summer breeze carrying along a mix of sweet floral scents and warm earth. It makes her shoulders sag and her eyes droop with exhaustion. "I haven't slept well since that night. Maxie has been really great through this whole thing, and not really asking me why I've been filtering my phone calls from Dante to her. But I think I'm ready to talk to her about what happened."

"You mean what you _think_ happened that night," the shadow crawls over her from behind before Dante emerges in full view.

Lulu stiffens and curls her fingers into fists atop of the grass. "I'm not ready to talk to you," she tells him frank with an edge to her voice.

Dante shifts his weight as he lifts his eyebrows in disbelief. "At this rate you'll be ready to talk after you've given the police your statement."

"And you want to know what I'll tell them." Her words burn with acid.

"I just want to explain—"

"No need," she spits the words in a pained hiss. "You wanted Johnny gone. Well, you made that wish come true," she sweeps her arms out in a grand gesture, wishing she could feel satisfaction at his recoil, but instead there's a distinct lack of anything.

"That's not what happened," his slow enunciation of each word makes a pressure squeeze against her chest and build behind her eyes.

 _"Oh really!?_ So you didn't hear Johnny screwing your wife and decide to wait for the right time to put a permanent end to it?" Her words are piercing cold as she stares him down.

Dante looks away seemingly collecting himself before shoving his hands in his pockets. "So you admit it."

Lulu laughs a broken twisted sound while wiping at the moisture building on her cheeks. "That we were together that night? Yes. I was going to tell you our marriage wasn't working, but you put a supposed end to our problem before then."

Dante squats before her, gaze beseeching in the anguish brimming in his eyes. And all Lulu wants to do is curl up against Johnny's headstone, the closest she can get to him since she'll never have his arms to comfort her again. "Lulu did you ever really love me? Because I thought we were pretty happy together."

"Of course I did. We _were._ Just..." Her eyes catch the engraving again.

 _Johnny Anthony Zacchara_

 _November 22, 1983 - July 5, 2012_

And it feels as her whole chest was just blown out in a quick dose of excruciating reality all over again.

"Just not the same as with him," Dante finishes choked, over her cries.

When she can't regain her composure enough to respond he continues, "If what we had meant anything to you, let me tell you what happened that night, Lulu."

The breath she takes is anything but relieving. She gives a nod anyway, agreeing.

"Since you didn't come home, I figured you'd either be at Zacchara's penthouse or the Haunted Star. There was no answer where he lived so I went to the boat." Dante lets out a breath and starts rubbing his hands to ease a sudden tension. "When I came in, Johnny was on the phone, back to me at first. But he must've heard me, because he turned around, and..."

"And what?" She demands voice hoarse and breath jittery.

Dante closes his eyes. "A shot rang out followed by another. Someone else was there. I don't know who. I don't know where. Johnny fell, I took my gun out, and..." Dante lifts a hand and runs it over his face muffling his words.

Lulu's chest heaves for breath as she raises her left hand to curl around the stone beside her to keep her stable as the world seemingly tilts. "And what, Dante?"

But she already knows.

He finally looks at her and guilt pricks at the corners of his eyes. "I didn't do anything."

The sting of her hand from connecting with his face hardly registers. _"You let his murderer get away!? If I hadn't been there would you have just left Johnny there to—!?"_ She has to cover the heart wrenching sound that threatens to tear free of her throat as the images of that night replay through her mind, vivid and nauseating. He died regardless, but Dante may as well have had a hand in it.

"Lulu, I hesitated—"

 _"Don't lie to me!"_ Her shriek cuts through the solemn silence of the cemetery like a shot. "You wanted him dead. You wanted him out of my life, so. You. Did. _Nothing!_ What does that shiny badge even mean to you, huh, Dante? You turn a blind eye to your father's crimes, even allowed your own little brother to prison over him, and now you let an innocent man be murdered in cold blood—"

 _"Johnny is not innocent in anything!"_ Dante roars through her tirade.

And Lulu loses it. She destroys what little distance between them, using her hand to pound at his chest and shove him away from her. She kicks at his toppled form as she shrieks and screams until her face turns a deep pink, _"Stay away from me! I want you to stay away from me! Go away! Get away from me!"_

Hands encircle her arms and yank her up and away into a soft yet restraining embrace causing her muscles to lock into place. "Dante what the hell did you say to her!?" Carly immediately barks over her shoulder.

"Isn't it obvious? He insulted her dead love," Maxie chimes in from Carly's side and Lulu catches through her watery vision the icy gleam of her best friend's blue eyes.

"Hey, she's _my_ wife," Dante insists firmly.

"Way to stake your claim like a true neanderthal." Maxie scoffs.

"Okay, I just wanted to talk to Lulu. We've talked. Now I'll leave." Dante yields and somehow Lulu hears the soft squash of grass under retreating footsteps through the thudding of blood in her ears.

Carly rubs her hands up and down Lulu's arms. "You okay, sweetie?"

Lulu nods woodenly, trying not to shake visibly as she pulls out of Carly's arms. Her face feels blotchy and damp as blond strands stick to her cheeks which she brushes behind her ears. She looks and feels like a mess her friends don't know how to act around. "Yeah, I'm, uhh breathing." A plastic smile flashes into place before melting away under the sun and she glances away to the side where his headstone rests. "I just wanted to be with Johnny and Dante..." She sniffs, forcing everything back. Then she looks at Maxie, Carly and Jason who stands off to the side, hands crossed at the waist like a silent sentinel and tells them all sincerely, "Thank you all for staying, but you should just head to the reception. I can stay here."

Maxie slips to Lulu's side and places an arm around her shoulders completely ignoring the suggestion. "Lulu, the reception is in honor of Johnny. Who better to honor him than _you?"_ She reasons in a this-should-be-obvious tone. Then she goes on softer when Lulu feels her throat clog and her jaw tremble. "Remember what I told you."

Lulu breaks her stare off with his headstone with a broken nod. "Right. You're right."

Carly moves in on her other side with warm, comforting tones. "And don't worry, Lulu. We'll be with you every step of the way."

Lulu gains a supportive nod from Jason before Maxie and Carly take her from Johnny's final resting place with Jason following at the rear.

~.~

Lulu dries the last of the cool water from her face then goes to shut the light off in the bathroom. The ashen walls of the bedroom that used to be her own now fit that of a guest room. It's empty and impersonal, just what she needs to decompress after the funeral. The bed cushions her weight as she settles on it and not a moment later her door creaks open with Maxie peaking in.

"No more crying?"

Lulu smiles weary. "I've gone through all the water in my body. Any more tears and my head'll start hurting."

"So should I bring you a glass of water?" Maxie points behind her, words coated in exaggeration.

Lulu's smile becomes genuine. _"Maxie."_

Maxie drops her hands with a chuckle and comes to sit on the bed. "Okay, okay. But I will bring one later. So..."

Lulu twists a piece of her hair between her fingers and creases her eyebrows. "So, what?"

"So are you gonna tell me why you could be mistaken for Johnny's widow? Last I saw you were happy with Dante." Maxie gets straight to the point. "You and I planned Johnny's funeral for a week together after Spinelli hacked into his accounts to see if he had any insurance, that is. I mean, what mob prince doesn't?"

Lulu her insides flop as she grips the covers. "Maxie..."

"Come to find out, he not only has insurance, but a _Will_ where everything—legitimate that is—goes to his kids and, if none are present, to a Miss Lesley Lu Spencer. I must've missed something here for him to be leaving you millions, right?" Maxie continues without heed to Lulu's feeble plea.

Lulu's pulse jumps under her skin as she recalls the stomach knotting discovery. When the lawyers had arrived, read the Will in question, and had her sign papers to take over ownership of stocks and company investments she had no clue Johnny had ever partaken in, she'd gone mute for an entire day. She resists the urge to scream now as the man whose ear would be on the receiving end rests underground. "He doesn't need to take care of me like this." She forces the words out as evenly as possible instead in defiance.

Maxie raises a thin eyebrow. "That's just the shock talking. Now I was obviously lying about _why_ he did it. He loves you. Always has. What's just so interesting is how you went from keeping away from him to not giving a damn that it was clear you two slept together while you're still married to someone else." Maxie curls a hand around Lulu's fist with a gentle smile. "Come on, tell me."

Lulu swallows thickly and nods. "Okay, but I'm still mad at him."

"No you're not. You're completely in love with him," Maxie argues calmly.

Lulu's shoulders shake briefly before she slows her breathing determinedly. "So we were going to run away together, leave everything behind, and start fresh. My feelings for him never really changed and when he flew me to Pennsylvania on Independence Day... I couldn't lie to myself anymore." She grits her teeth against the burn of love and longing that swells in her veins as she thinks of that night and her voice gains a heartbreaking pitch, "We made love and I agreed to run away with him and... I basically told him I wanted to marry him, Maxie. Our whole future, gone in an instant. And I just don't..."

Maxie pulls Lulu into a hug and combs her fingers through Lulu's hair over and over. "Just breathe for now," she whispers soothing.

And Lulu does just that gradually regaining calm.

And then, "I can't believe you were going to just leave me behind." Maxie scolds fully scandalized.

Lulu pulls back with a sheepish smile expecting the smirk her friend wears as she replies, "I would've visited from time to time."

They both share a companionable laugh before Maxie sobers. "So there's really no hope for reconciliation between you and Dante? You're going to file for divorce."

Lulu smooths her fingers over the bare skin of her left ring finger which hasn't been weighed down since she discarded the rings in the bedside drawer the night Johnny died. "Yeah. I don't want to settle. That's what happened with Johnny and Logan before. And while I'm sure Dante won't lose his mind, I shouldn't lead him on."

Maxie's expression becomes neutral, smooth, almost blank as she places her words carefully. "I'm not trying to tell you who you should and shouldn't be with. But... you're perfect match isn't here anymore and... you were happy with Dante. If you give it some time, even if it's not the stars aligning romance you could've had, you could still be happy."

Lulu stares at a smooth white wall as her honey eyes dim and her voice empties of emotion, "I lost my heart when Johnny died. How do you expect me to lie about being capable of loving Dante now, a year, or ten years in the future?"

"Lulu?"

The pleading tone narrowly succeeds in pulling her from the dark, numb place she was spiraling towards.

Maxie holds her hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry. I was just making a suggestion."

Lulu blinks, unmoved.

Maxie squirms, then jumps as she seems to remember something. She digs into the pocket of her sleep bottoms and pulls out something she cups in her palm. "Since you don't have any jewelry of significance to hold onto, I thought you might like to have this back."

What Maxie extends in her hand is something Lulu thought she got rid of years ago in a fit of rage and heartbreak. Now she takes the cool gold into her trembling hands, swearing the little lightning bolt necklace tingles against her skin. "Where did you get this?" Her words barely squeeze through her throat from how thick they are with heartfelt emotion.

Maxie shrugs, although clearly from the gleam in her eyes she's pleased with herself. "Well I saw it in the trash after your break up and I felt pretty guilty because of it for obvious reasons. So I kept it. Now, hurry up and put it on and get some rest. I've cut into enough of that already," Maxie insists with a few waves of her hands while moving off the bed.

Lulu, stunned, takes several moments of just gazing openly at the necklace before moving to place it around her neck. "Maxie, really I don't know how to explain how much this means to me."

Maxie stops at the door and gives her a reassuring grin, "You don't need to, Lulu." With a reaffirming nod, Maxie leaves, shutting the door behind her.

Lulu takes a shuddered breath and shuts off the lights, then crawls beneath the covers. From there she presses her fingers to the necklace and feels a small pinch of warmth bloom in her chest, easing a tiny smile over her lips. It's not much, but it's the first time since Johnny's death that she's truly felt his presence might actually be with her.

* * *

 **I was able to squeeze in a bit of time to get this done. Yes, it's still JoLu, but this is based on a soap opera so there's bound to be hitches in the road. Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**~6~**

Lulu opens her eyes feeling as if she'd just closed them the night before. Every bone in her body weighs a ton each and she doesn't want to go through the struggle of pulling herself from bed. So she stares blearily at the ceiling, watching the morning grow stronger by the minute until her morning ritual gets tired of waiting, forcing her to move from the bed to the bathroom.

A little while later she emerges, blond hair swaying from her ponytail as she buttons up her dress shirt. In the opening between the collar, she brushes her fingers over the reminder of Johnny she hasn't gone without in the little over two months since he's been gone. And as she glances at her reflection in the vanity within her room, the worn state of her eyes shows just what a trying time it's been.

It had taken everything in her not to call Dante out for his negligence in her statement to the police, only stating that she'd heard the shots and discovered Dante with Johnny alerting an ambulance. She'd gone through with the divorce not long after. Dante hadn't even needed to sign the papers as she'd cited infidelity on her part as the cause. Everyone in town had begun to treat her differently as well; either walking on eggshells around her because they know she's been to Shadybrook or giving her odd looks because she divorced the town's good cop for the deceased mobster. Only her friends had began behaving normally, giving her their shoulders to lean on whenever her outward strength diminished.

Lulu sinks onto the edge of her bed and reaches for her inky flats. The fatigue that's grown in her makes the idea of heels undesirable. Besides working as a receptionist at the Metro Court Hotel won't require much footwork anyway. The idea to give her the job had of course been her cousin's, but it was much better than staying at the PCPD, so Lulu was more than willing to take it.

Grabbing a grey suit jacket from the closet of the room that's still impersonal despite having been hers for the last two months, Lulu leaves the room in hopes of finding energy food with Maxie before they both leave. Sunlight filters in mildly through the windows stationed before the dining table she comes to. And Maxie is there blond hair perfectly coiffed in loose curls to her shoulders and latest fashion wear right in place. Her blue eyes pop like gems with the smokey eye shadow decorating them. She is the picture of elegance as Crimson magazine's Editor-in-Chief—a far cry from Lulu's steamrolled, grief ridden appearance she's been sporting lately. Not that Lulu really minds.

Maxie jumps up from her seat at the sight of Lulu and instantly delves into a mile a minute rant. "Where have you been? I thought you weren't going to crawl out of bed today! I made breakfast and everything, but your lack of punctuality ruined everything!"

Lulu smiles regrettably. "Sorry, I've just been really tired lately."

Maxie waves her words away with a smug smile. "Lucky for you, I planned ahead." She reaches onto the table to grab a sealed off Tupperware container obviously still warm from the steam within. She clicks off the top allowing the steam to billow outwards. "You can eat up on the way there."

One whiff and Lulu knows something's wrong. She stumbles a step back to the alarmed look of Maxie, and shields her nose with her palm. "Oh my god, Maxie that's spoiled! You didn't eat any did you?" Her voice is lined with concern as she takes steps backwards until her back collides with a brick wall.

Maxie now adopts the concerned pinch to her eyebrows as she shuts the lid of the container. "Of course I did, Lulu. These are fine."

Lulu's stomach churns while her pulse dances erratically in her veins. Maxie hasn't cracked a smile which means she's serious. _If so then where's the rancid smell coming from?_ her mind presses as she squirms under her friend's scrutiny finding the look too close to that of ones she's received at Shadybrook. Lowering her hand and taking a shallow breath, she decides it must be the lack of rest getting to her.

Darting around Maxie, she snatches her purse off the table by the front door. "Never mind, I'm just going to grab some breakfast at the Metro Court instead. Okay? Bye!"

The irate, _"Wait!"_ is muffled behind the closing of the door behind her. Lulu pauses only to brush her fingers against her necklace as a pang resonates throughout her chest. "I wish you were here to see me bumbling through life. I can't even smell right apparently." She hangs her head and drops her hand, then squashes her turmoil down in order to march ahead.

~.~

She places the phone on the hook then reaches for the bowl of neatly cut mango pieces to begin curbing her hunger. There's a steady flow of people in and out of the Metro Court seemingly drawn to the classy ambiance, smooth surfaces, and silver, beige, and generic greens as its primary colors. The different faces and demanding voices usually allow Lulu to get lost within her work. But while she scarfs down fruit, her eyes remain glued to the large red circle surrounding the day's date effectively distracting her from the looming figure that appears in front of her desk.

"Hey, Lulu."

The calm address jolts her gaze upwards to the cool blue eyes set in the friendly expression of Jason Morgan. Lulu hastily swallows and reaches for the phone. "Oh, I'm sorry! Do you need me to call, Carly? I'm sure she's in her office..."

"Uh, no. I'm here to talk to you." He informs her frank but far from unkind.

Lulu lowers her hand to the counter in front of her and gives him her full attention all the while confusion shifts underneath her skin. "Okay..."

He leans on the desk, lowering his voice as his eyes gain a serious edge. "So Spinelli, Maxie, and I have been looking into Johnny's shooting and there haven't been any promising leads."

Her jaw clenches at this. Maxie nor Spinelli have uttered a word about this, though she should've known something was going on. They've been speaking since the whole Matt-being-sent-to-prison thing. Them looking into Johnny's murder would be the type of thing for them to put aside their differences for the time being. Before she can voice any of her stewing thoughts, Jason soldiers on with more facts.

"The police hasn't exactly considered this a top priority case either meaning—"

"It's been left to go cold," she inserts, voice hard as she lowers her head into her hands for a brief moment.

"Right," Jason sighs. "Their main suspect, Sonny, alibied out. He was here having a meeting dinner." She looks up to see his eyes check their surroundings before he tells her, voice candid, "Sonny hates Johnny, but there's been nothing escalating between them lately. Besides the hit would've gone through me. And if it had been a sniper, you shouldn't have heard the gunshots from where you were on the boat."

Lulu's leg begins to bounce under the desk. "Okay, so what does this mean?" Her words although low strain in frustration.

Despite her volatile state, Jason levels smoothly, "That means... we find out what Johnny might've done that placed a target on his back."

Lulu blanches and Jason is anything but unobservant.

Jason gains his widely known Stone Cold persona as his eyes all bit pierce her for information before his words even can. "What did he do?"

Ice floods through her veins, stealing her breath to the point where finding her voice becomes an impossible feat. Until her eyes catch sight of the burgundy picture frame. In a flash she recalls how allergic Johnny was to being photographed avoiding any and all pictures despite her pleading and whining. So the time he caught her by surprise from behind with a kiss on the cheek and a camera flash in the face was something precious to be cherished. Lulu's breathing mellows even if her fingers drum against the counter. "I don't think it should be spoken about here."

Jason slowly nods and leans away slightly. "Yeah, you're right. Where do you want to meet after you get off?" He suggests instead.

Her lips part then press together as she brushes her finger over the keys of the computer keyboard without any purpose. "I was actually going to the cemetery today. It would've been five years since we met." She clears her suddenly tight throat.

Jason smooths a hand over the desk with a ghost of a smile. "Five years since you got on a car with a complete stranger."

Lulu laughs though it sounds a bit croaky to her ears. "One of the best decisions I've made so far."

"I don't have to come, if it's too much," he says more than serious.

She shakes her head then sweeps her bangs from her eyes. "No, it's fine. It shouldn't take long to tell you anyway."

"Okay." He pulls away from the desk as a silent departure.

Though she's quick to say, "Keep me in the loop from now on. I've been relying on the PCPD too much as of late."

He smiles and waves over his shoulder heading for the glass exit just as Maxie bursts in like a storm, forcing him to step out of her way—not that she notices or cares from the displeasure shining in her eyes. _"Lesley Lu Spencer! This is the third time this week you've felt it wise to insult me and I will not stand for it any longer!"_

Jason's face ranges from amused to questioning all in the quirk of his lips and the width of his eyes before he disappears out the doors. Lulu wishes she had such an escape. All she can do is sink lower into her seat and snatch up the ringing phone as an opportunity to ignore the oncoming tirade her best friend.

She's just said her greeting when the tempest that is Maxie Jones reaches over the desk and slams her fingers onto the hook ending the call. Lulu's mouth gapes as she holds the phone uselessly, but Maxie doesn't look the least bit sorry.

"You see this here?" Maxie lifts the almost forgotten, in Lulu's mind, Tupperware of breakfast from that morning. Just the recollection of the scent makes Lulu wish she could smell the leather and crisp petrichor Jason brought with him instead. "This is breakfast I made for us to eat. I put time and effort into it, Lulu, and yet you run for the hills as if I'm trying to poison you!"

Lulu sits straighter under her friend's glare. "Look, I'm sorry. It just smells bad. I couldn't eat it."

Maxie scoffs, forcing hair behind her ear as she goes to lift the lid. "It smells fine. If you have a problem with my cooking, just tell me instead of making up excuses. It'll save me more time in the mornings while _you_ make breakfast instead."

Lulu expects to have to reach under the desk top grab the trash bin to heave the mangoes from her stomach at the rancid odor, but instead she just smells the faint scent of... eggs and bacon. Incredulity leaps through her as she grabs the Tupperware, ignoring Maxie's complaint of, _"Hey!"_

Lulu takes a stronger, experimental whiff and... "It smells fine," Her voice is quiet with astonishment as her mind spins.

Maxie takes it back and looks down at her with a huff, "You're just saying that so you can get out of making breakfast. Not happening."

Lulu shakes her head and slumps in her seat as she stares ahead blankly. "No I'm not. It smelled awful, but now... I didn't imagine it before or the other day or..." She trails off, voice ripe with vulnerability, before she sucks her lips closed and brings her fingers up to her necklace.

"Hey, Lulu, it's okay," Maxie starts off soft with benevolence while still maintaining her assertiveness. "You just weren't hungry and I'm sure your lack of sleep has something to do with this as well. Don't go over thinking anything."

Lulu feels the rushing of blood under her skin attempt to fuel her doubt, but she chooses to agree anyway with a weak smile. "Okay. I'm sorry about breakfast again."

Maxie shoves the Tupperware into her purse. "It's all water under the bridge, as they say. _Ooh!_ I've got to go! I can't afford to be late! See ya, Lulu!"

Lulu waves after her. "See ya, Maxie!" She waits until the lobby elevator doors shut after Maxie before letting out a dismal breath and letting her eyes rest on the carefree image of Johnny. "I promised Maxie I wouldn't take this too seriously, but what if someone is messing with me? And if they are, how are they able to tamper with my senses so easily? Are they watching me too? Just like..." She closes her eyes against the prick that builds there.

 _Just like they watched us the night you died?_

Lulu sniffs then focuses with laser like precision on the computer at her desk. "Maxie's right. I'm being ridiculous. I'll just get through the day, head to the cemetery, and forget any of this happened." She tells herself forcefully and works hard to shut her emotions out for the rest of the day.

~.~

Burnt orange, rusty red, and lemon yellow leaves decorate the grass she strides across. The wind is light but cool, not enough to chill her as the deep purples and blues gradually morph the night sky. No that honor belongs to the headstone that peeks out from the grass, its rigid shape long since memorized by her frequent visits. Johnny always had a way of taking her breath away, but now it's taken on a different kind of feeling.

Lulu takes a moment to steady herself on her feet only to sink shakily to the ground as a watery smile graces her lips. "Hey, there... I bet you're surprised to see me so soon." She takes her hand and brushes away the leaves hanging off the top of the stone before leaning forward in a conspiratorial way. "There may be a reason for that."

She can vividly imagine the way mischief would darken his eyes and how a devilish smile would sweep across his lips if she addressed him like this. It fills her up for a brief glorious second before reality takes her back down to the cold desolate ground. "It's our anniversary, Johnny! Five years!" She says with as much enthusiasm as she can muster despite the moisture gathered in her eyes, because Maxie was right. Johnny wouldn't want her to be so distraught.

She reaches into her purse and pulls out a small square box, still warm from purchase. "I stopped by Kelly's for a piece of apple pie. I know it's not much, but I'm just glad I can share it with you." She says in a small honest way. And bite after bite she does, going over her work week thus far in the quiet of the evening.

She gestures her plastic fork around lightly as she finishes the slice. "I know what you'd probably say. _Lulu, what's all this talk about workin'? I made sure you were more than taken care of."_ She snorts good naturedly, her soft smile practically seeping fondness as she places the empty container down to skim her fingers across his etched name. "You really didn't have to do all of that. And besides... the work helps keep my head above water. If I didn't have anything to do, I'd lose myself... Maybe, I'm starting to already," she confesses in a short breath as a chill creeps under her skin.

She shakes her head and draws her knees up to her chest as her voice takes on a guilty twinge that shines through the cracks. "No, someone knows that I b-blame myself for this. You could never say no to me unless it meant my happiness or safety. That's what lead to you being vulnerable at the Haunted Star." She wipes under her eyes before hugging her knees tighter. "This person is just trying to make me seem crazy like before. Doing little stuff at first until they eventually land me in Shadybrook. But I don't _feel_ crazy. I just _miss_ you. I miss you so much it h-hurts to even think about."

She pulls together a fragile smile however, one she's sure she'd only be able to pull off for him in this moment. "But you shouldn't worry. I'm smarter this time around. I'm not gonna let someone get in my head. And I have some pretty big supporters." Her eyes catch sight of an approaching figure at this and she works to bump the enthusiasm in her voice a notch. "Look, a friend!"

Lulu rises to her feet to meet the cautious advance of Jason. His eyes scan her over. "You okay?"

Lulu brushes specks of grass off her skirt, dodging what he's obviously referring to. "Yeah, nothing to worry about."

"Good," He nods with sincerity.

Lulu licks her lips, tasting some of the salt from her tears and folds her hands together. "All right, I'm gonna just come out and say it. What Johnny did was... horrible and beyond wrong, but he felt the guilt for it. It ate at him in ways I know personally well." She closes her eyes finds the will to say, "He tried to kill Anthony... and Cole Thornhart and Hope Manning-Thornhart died instead. Anthony later tried to kill Johnny, but Johnny..."

"Killed Anthony," Jason ends for her with a long exhale. "Lulu..."

 _"I know!_ I know it's bad," her voice comes sharp and tremulous as she holds out a hand almost in pleading. "They suspect my dad and Tracy for Anthony's murder and Connie took the fall for the other two... Johnny and I were going to run away, get away from the violence, the regrets, and just start over. And then this happened."

Jason bows his head, rubbing his thumb and forefinger over his brow a few times before leveling her with a hard look. "Who else knows?"

She scrambles for her tongue. "I... I don't know. Connie, I guess? I mean, why else would she confess to something she didn't do?"

"Anyone else? We need to know all the players in this, Lulu."

"I don't know!" She holds her arms around herself to stop herself from shaking apart. "He just told me the night he was killed. The police would obviously have him as a suspect, but people that know for certain... I have no idea."

The frigid set of Jason's face gradually melts as he nods in acceptance. "All right. This opens up the leads some."

"To who?"

Jason's voice is stern as he shakes his head, _"Oh no._ You're too close to this. The first sign of his possible killer and you'll run off and get yourself killed."

Her mouth opens to disagree heatedly, but he goes on over her.

"In fact, you shouldn't even be out here this late."

She lifts her eyebrows lift and tilts her hip in defiance. "And why is that?"

"The whole town knows you're in control of Johnny Zacchara's legitimate estates." He tells her simply.

Lulu goes entirely still, unable to take a breath as her mind reels from the shock stemming from those words. The only people who was supposed to know was Maxie, Spinelli, Jason, and Carly and she's certain they wouldn't say a word, so... "H-How?" She gasps out.

Jason shifts and looks off to the side before relying, "It was in the paper not long after Johnny's death. We're pretty certain Scott Baldwin somehow got his hands on the information and leaked it."

A long suffering groan leaves her throat as she leans her head back to peer helplessly at the sky. "I hadn't wanted to see what was in the paper right after... Of course, Scott would do something like this."

"Yeah, so you should really consider heading home soon."

Lulu looks at Jason with a pained smile. "Yeah, I just need to day goodbye first. But, um," she rushes on, "I just want to say thank you for doing this. I know you're probably only doing this for me or as a favor to Carly, but thanks anyway."

He gives her that careful, small, genuine smile that only certain people know exist in him. "It's no problem. Oh!" He proceeds to reach into his jacket to pull out something much to her confusion. "I almost forgot to give you this."

She reaches out and takes the plastic container holding a CD with the title _Lulu's Song_ scrawled across it. She gives him a strange little smile and laughs, "Okay... What's this?"

Jason doesn't waver under her uncertainty and in fact looks strangely pleased. "Sonny actually brought this to me. Said it was something Johnny wrote while in his, uh, capture. Sonny had a professional record it and thought you might want to have it."

Lulu's chest swells with a mixture of pleasant surges of elation and stabbing shards of despair. Her hands tremble around the case, her fingertips burning at how close she is, once again, to something given to her out of love from Johnny. She's hated Sonny for the decisions he's made in the past, but she's more than grateful to hold this in her hands.

She looks up at Jason, not even realizing tears are slipping hot and fast down her cheeks until her vision wavers with them. "Thank you. This means so much to me..." She chokes out before giving up altogether by pressing her lips together and holding the case to her chest.

Jason nods as his eyes soften in empathy. "Take care of yourself, Lulu."

She takes a slow quivering breath as he leaves, then lowers herself before Johnny's headstone to whisper intimately, "I'm gonna hear the end of the song you wrote. That's pretty perfect for our anniversary don't you think? Well... almost." It's a struggle not to imagine him being the one sitting before the piano, bearing his heart to her through the keys, and what their lives should've been like had things turned out differently. She blows out a breath and slips the case safely into her purse. "I've just gotta take this one day at a time like I have been so far. And Jason's working on finding your killer, so we'll find closure on that soon." Her voice begins to strain in pitch like it does every time she prepares to leave.

"I have to go, but I'll be back next week after playing this CD to death... which reminds me, I should make copies," her humorous tone falls flat do to the ache tearing right through her, leaving her to ultimately kiss her fingers and splay them over the cool stone in a heartfelt, parting gesture.

 _"I love you, Johnny and I always will."_

~.~

Lulu reaches her shared apartment without any issues besides the emotional ones. She's ready to place the key through the slot when a long thin white box in front of the door draws her eyes. The hitch in her progress to bathe, slip into one of Johnny's button ups, and finally hear his song finished causes her to pick the package up with aggression. Her name printed neatly upon it with no return address draws her up short, however as apprehension begins to trickle through her veins.

At a snail's pace, she uncovers the top to reveal one blossomed lavender rose. A pristine white note is attached to the stem which she picks up with shaking fingers.

 _I told you I didn't want to lose you and kissed you at the overlook. I still don't, Lulu._

Her shrill scream reverberates throughout the hall as the package and note topple from her hands.

* * *

 **Do to something coming up irl, I might not be able to get anything up for a while. Sorry to leave on a cliffy! Thanks for reading!**


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